Well, It's week 11 already and it's been an interesting season, as I've intimated through some of m earlier pieces. This week, I'm throwing my hat into the NFL Picks ring, mainly because I KNOW i'm better (and funnier) than that Nick Bakay fellow on ESPN. So without further ado, here are my week 11 picks
Home team in Caps
BILLS (-7) over Texans
Ive been on the fence about this one all week. On one hand, youve got the Bills, middle of the road team with a solid defensive squad who are tough to beat at home. On the other hand, you have the Texans, who are noticbly campaigning to be labled the frisky team of the 2003-4 season. These guys are not a good, consistent football team, but they have enough talent on offense to go out and beat a top contender every few weeks. This wont be that week. Look for Drew Bledsoe and Eric Moulds (hampered this season by his sudden acquisition of Fred Taylors groin) to hook up for a few TDs against the one of leagues worst secondary units.
CARDINALS (+6) over Browns
All I can say about this game is the following. When I saw the over-under was listed at 38, my only response was Is that going to be the combined number of turnovers, or the number of fans that will be watching this debacle on CBS?
I only picked the Cardinals to win because I disagree with the release of Browns WR Kevin Johnson. Although on second hand, it does kind of make sense for 3-6 team with a struggling offense to release their number one wide out mid-season. Please, couple this with the 4 game suspension of Willie Green (drugs), and the Holcomb/Couch revolving QB door . . . this team has more sub plots than a 7th grade dance. Count me out on this one.
BENGALS (+6.5) over Chiefs.
Call me crazy, but you gotta like Cincy in this one. Realistically, the Chiefs arent going to go 16-0, and this is just the type of game they could lose. The 9-0 Chiefs are probably looking past their 4-5 opponents, who are coming off a decisive win over Houston. Couple this with Chad Johnsons guaranteed victory and the emergence of Rudi "Huxtable" Johnson as the next great, young power back, this has all the pinnings of a potentially explosive game.
On a side note, did you ever think youd see the day when Corey Dillon would be an afterthought for the Bengals offense? Neither did I. Rest assured though, if Johnson performs well this week, after the season is over, Dillon will get what he always wanted; a one way ticket out of town.
Rams (-6) over BEARS
Ok, even if Mark Bulger DID struggle last week, even if Marshal Faulk IS playing with a broken hand, sprained ankle and a swollen knee. I dont even care if the entire Rams O-line decides to play without helmets, I wouldnt place my money on a team that lost to the LIONS 12-10 last week. No way sir. Thats like comparing A Minute with Stan Hooper to the last season of Seinfeld sure Seinfeld didnt go out on a high note, but at least Norm MacDonald wasn't prominently involved.
Redskins (+6.5) over PANTHERS
Dont let the record fool you, the Redskins are a talented team. Now that Steve Spurrier is giving the play calling duties to offensive coordinator Hue Jackson (who, coincidently was named to the All-Porn team last year, along with Donald Driver, Bubba Franks, Quentin Jammer and Josh Booty), things should start to go better the the Skins. Who knows . . .we might actually see a handoff if things get really crazy.
Also, Im not about to get on the Jake Freaking Delhome bandwagon quite yet. Its just that he hasnt taken his lumps yet. Believe me, they are coming. Most likely in the form of Bruce Smith, who will almost certainly be on a quest break the sack record this Sunday. I think all the factors are leading towards a Redskin victory in Charlotte.
TITANS (-10) over Jags
Now that Steve McNair has officially become the next evolutionary step from Bret Farve, all of the old Farve rules apply, including the two most important. If he is listed as questionable by the end of the week, hell throw for 400 yards on Sunday, and never NEVER BET AGAINST HIM. EVER. ESPECIALLY AT HOME.
It goes without saying that I am thoroughly enjoying the McNair era, especially because it directly coincides with the Jeff Fisher Maybe if I grow a porn moustache, it will take away the attention from my mullet Era. Good times.
DOLPHINS (-6) over Ravens
Another game I couldnt decide about all week. On one hand, Ricky Williams has slowed down this year, possibly due to the black poodle on his head. On the other hand, the Ravens arent very good when Jamal Lewis doesnt rush for 700 yards a game. Ultimately, it came down to two factors. First, the Ravens QB core is so depleted that A. Anthony Wright will be starting, and B. If he goes down, its Ray Lucas time baby! The second reason is that was that the annual Dolphin collapse doesnt usually start till early December, so I might as well give them a few more weeks to over achieve. This way itll be more fun to watch them lose.
By the way . . .have you noticed? I didnt mention Wannestedt's stache once!
Falcons (+8.5) over SAINTS
Am I going to watch this game? Nope. Do I care who wins? Not especially. Im just counting down the days till Vick makes his triumphant return and promptly breaks both femurs on the opening drive, prompting Dan Reeves to announce that Vick will be listed as questionable for next weeks game.
COLTS (-6) over Jets
I think that the Colts have the ability to be the best team in the NFL. This year, their defense, oft criticized in the past, has performed on par, if not better, than the Manning/James/Harrison offensive triumvirate. The Jets have had a disappointing season, marred with injury. Though looking to get back on track with Pennington back in the lineup, both Wayne Chrebet and John Abraham are out this. Even the return of all the members of the starting Jets secondary isnt going to help them on Sunday. Pennington will have a good game, but ultimately the Colts offense is too explosive for the Jets to contain.
On a side note, Pennington noted on Tuesday that much of his power is, in fact, derived from his ears.
Broncos (-7.5) over Chargers
It happens every year without fail. Doug Flutie comes off the bench to pull of a string of improbably victories prompting Sports Illustrated to run articles like Flutie; Back in the Pocket. Inevitably the wheels come crashing off around the third week, hes shipped to another team in the off season and the cycle repeats itself. Its been happening for the better part of 4 years, and I wouldnt be surprised if he stays in the NFL till hes Sixty years old, and pitching Viagra for extra cash (Insert Tight End/ Wide Receiver Joke here).
Well, the wheels come off this week. Also, there is no way I bet against the Broncos at home, with Plummer coming back from injury and Portis rushing for 130 a game. Just not gonna happen
BUCS ( -3.5) over Packers
I dont know which Bucaneers team is going to show up on Sunday, but I do know this: The Packers better do a better job of protecting the football than they did a week ago against Philly. The Bucs are the type of defense thats going to capitalize on this type of mistake. Something tells me the Bucs D is gonna be wired for Farve, and Id expect Sapp to add to his disappointing sack total of one this week.
SEAHAWKS (-10.5) over Lions
If you have nothing to do on Sunday, watch this game, and play something called the Koren Robinson Drinking game. The rules are simple. Everytime K-Dawg drops a pass, you drink a shot. Its sure to get you hammered by the start of the second half.
Seriously though, this guy is without a doubt THE biggest bust of my Roto season. I took him in the 5th round (he was still around because of his lack of name recognition), thinking he was a steal. The lesson as always? Im a moron.
Other than that, I dont really know too much about the Seahawks, except that they are playing the Lions this week. Thats all I need to know.
Raiders ( +4.5) over VIKINGS
You may not agree with me on this one, but its my craaaazy week 10 pick. Sure the Raiders have arguably been the worst team in the NFL this year, and yes, Gannon AND Tuasoposo are injured. Did I forget to mention that Randy Moss and Culpepper have been unstoppable this season? It doesnt matter. The Raiders led by the indomitable spirit of NFL Legend Rick Mirer are going to win this one. I dont know how, and I dont care. Its just going to happen.
PATRIOTS (-4.5) over Cowboys.
OK . . .the Cowboys have been good this year, but I dont think theyre up to the task of stopping the Patriots confusing pash rush. Bill Belicheck will be throwing so many different looks at Quincy Carter, that the young quarterback is going to get rattled early. This game is going to give rise to the Quincy Carter I Have Lost Complete Control of the Game, and I Am One Play From Crashing and Burning face. (formerly the Byun Hyung Kim face)
The Patriots, a veritable patchwork of no name role players, know what it takes to win, especially against a young, still largely inexperienced team. Itll be close, but in the end, its going to come down to on field leadership, and Drew Bledsoe has more than enough to go around.
One thing about Quincy. Has anyone heard an interview with this guy? When he speaks, his tongue falls over his teeth making his praise of Parcells sound like Heeth a gurate coat. Heeth prutty harthon me, buth es worf et. If I ran a network, I would start a talk show with Magic Johnson, Shawn Kemp, Quincy Carter and Michael Irving, and it would, without a doubt, be the funniest show in the history of television.
Giants (+3) over EAGLES.
Shockeys out, the Giants are inconsistent, and Tiki Barber slipperier hands than a Korean masues just before the happy ending. With that all said, there is NO way the Giants lose this game. On the defensive side of the ball, they always play Eagles tough. Michael Strahan OWNS John Runyan, and the Eagles receiving corps is among the few that the Giants secondary can match up with man to man.
On the offensive side of the ball, Collins is going to bring his A game, connecting with Hilliard and Toomer for 220 yards and a few scores.
The only way the Giants lose this game is if my girlfriend calls me during any point in the game. Shes like Giant kryptonite, I swear to god. If the Giants continue to lose, Ill have to get a restraining order to prevent her from calling me at crucial game moments, such as the first commercial break.
MONDAY NIGHT PICK
49ERS (-4) over Steelers
I hate the 49ers more than almost any other team in sports. I think TO is an arrogant loudmouthed moron, and I still havent forgiven Jeff Garcia for the way he treated Andy Dufrense in the Shawshank Redemption. With that being said, they dont lose this Monday Nighter. Tommy Maddox has been erratic at best, now that his deal with Satan is finally over.
Just think. 1 more year away till Charlie Batch takes over in Pittsburgh!!!!!!!!!
So there you go sports fans, I've spoken my piece. Have fun with the games this weekend and remember. . . If you ever get down on yourself; If you ever feel like the world is crumbling around you, just take a deep breath and ask yourself; "What would Alfonso Ribiero do?"