Hey there sportsfans! I know Ive been out of comission for a while, but I hope to make my triumphant return to the world of sports humor today, right here, right now. Its been tough for me to get anything done because of the release of EA Sports MVP Baseball 2004 which is completely and utterly addicting. I started a Dynasty with my buddies, and it has completely consumed out lives for the past three weeks.
I leave it at this. You know your life is depressing when you call an Owners Dinner to discuss whether or not Video Game Trot Nixon is underachieving, and if so, would placing him on the trading block give him incentive to play better? No. Im not kidding.
Here are some of my ramblings from the past month
Question. Were Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitski ever considered to portray Starsky and Hutch on the big screen?
I may have been drunk, but I could have sworn I saw the Maloof brothers on the last Taxi Cab Confessions.
The best mental image of this NFL off season has to be Tim Couch hitchhiking his way out of Cleveland with the sad music from The Hulk playing in the background. (Yes, I watch far too much Family Guy)
I wonder if Todd Bertuzzi and Tonya Harding will wind up playing for the same AHL semi-pro hockey team.
On the Unintentional Comedy scale, Stuart Scott leaving Michael Quigley has to rank up there with Mark Cubans toupee.
Speaking of Cuban, can somebody organize a arm wrestling match between him and Ed Hochiully? And can we get the referee from over the top to oversee the proceedings?
Also on the UCR this month has to be Jeff Kents comments about the possibility that Ruth and Gehrig were on steroids. Im not even going to dignify that with a joke.
On the topic of Kent, dont the similarities between him and Farva from SuperTroopers, frighten you a little bit? Besides the moustaches I mean. Dont you get the feeling that he shows up to team functions, goes to the bar and says Six Schlitzes. . . . Ah whatevers free.? He is THAT guy.
On the heels of the whole A-Rod going to the Yankees (bearing resemblances to the Ewing/Knick draft-time shadiness in 1983) Gene Orza is not so slowly become the David Stern Evil Administrator of the MLB. All he needs now are manboobs.
With Vin Baker in New York, I think there needs to be a Most Damaged Liver Contest between him, Kerry Collins, Bill Singer, and Joe Namath. It could be televised too.
Brad from the Real World keeps getting arrested episode after episode. Reportedly, the TrailBlazers are already working up a multi-year contract.
With HBO making commercials in which characters from their different shows interact with each other, couldnt they make one where Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts whack Robert Wuhl? Howabout Mike Binder? Please?
. . .Who eees Karim Garcia? He need to come to my level, then he can say things. Bernie Weeeliams, Derek Jeeeeter, Paul ONeil, I reespet dem. But Who eees Karim Garcia?
I had to root for ETSU in the first round of the tourney this year. I mean a big white guy named Nuckles? Sounds like a Prohibition-era thug. Wonder if he hangs out with Moose and Rocco.
I know that the Kobe Bryants sexual assault case is one of the more high profile cases in recent history, but would it kill CourtTV to run some coverage of the Otis Nixon and his Fondling Felony?
What would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?
Aside from the New York Yankees, is there a more unlikeable team in sports than the Philadelphia Eagles?
If there WAS a God, that ball would have blinded A-Rod.
When we talk about football stars crossing over to acting, the names Fred Williamson, Carl Weathers, and Alex Karras always come up. My question is this: How come nobody ever mentions Bob Golics star turn as Mike in Saved by The Bell: the College Years?
Wait a minute; when did Adrian Brody become hot? Was I in the bathroom or something?
Finally, as part of an argument Ive been having with my buddy Ian all week, Ill present my All-Time real world cast (Norman dale style)
Homosexual: Pedro (San Fransico) Nobody had more street cred than Mr.
Zamora. Suffering from AIDS, he still found time to make Pucks life miserable.
Defining Moment: The Peanut Butter Rant
Virgin: Jon (Los Angeles) This Shockey-fied country singer was the most
wholesome (and believeable) virgin in the shows history.
Defining Moment: Explaining to Dominic why he wants
to wait till marriage
Breasts: Amaya (Hawaii) I wouldnt need to justify this answer if it wasnt
for Robin on this years San Diego Cast. Still, I give the edge to Amaya because she is the kind of girl with big breasts who isnt that pretty. That way, we all think weve got a shot.
Defining Moment: The first time Amaya refers to her
breasts as The Twins. Classic.
Meathead: CT (Paris) I only give CT the edge over Brad (San Diego II) if it
wasnt for the thick Boston accent. Coupled with his hair,
the accent makes CT the best real world meat head ever.
Defining Moment: I will Work YOU . . .DAWG
Black Guy: Jaquese (San Diego II) My apologies to Tek and Cyrus. Jaquese has
probably the best sense of humor in RW history.
One of the most real characters in the history of the
Defining Moment: Tie between Free Brad! and
We drink Mickeys up in here!
Hottie: Cameran (San Diego II) I am not trying to validate the latest series of the
RW. But has there been a hotter girl than Cameran on the
Defining Moment: Anytime in a bikini Good
Money Grubbing Ho-Bag: Tami (Los Angeles) She married Kenny Anderson.
Defining Moment: Getting her towel ripped
off by David
Wild Card: Adam (Paris) Possibly the most annoying character in RW history.
Positivley broke the UCR Scale with his rapping
I will not hide, my family pride . . .