Baseball awards


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Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been home, and my computer there is slightly slower than Giovanni Ribisi from The Other Sister. I'm still on track to do the Best all time video game team list,  but I've been a little side tracked with baseball. So for all you non baseball fans out there, sorry
Well, here we are, it's the end of another Major League Baseball season. True, neither the ALCS or the NCLS are officially complete, but that's only a formality. I have mathmatically eliminated the Cubs from World Series contention, due to the fact that they are facing a classic "Dead Man Walking" scenario. Tonight they were up 3-0 on the Marlins, 9 outs away from clinching a World Series appearance, when the Marlins pulled a Disney-esque comeback, shelling Mark Prior and scoring eight runs. Ouch. That was a true stomach punch loss, and I don't think that the Cubs are going to have anything left in the tank to finish the pesky Marlins off tomorrow. 
          And let's not about forget the Red Sox. I just feel comforted knowing that leading the Sox into the biggest game of the season is the trusty, battle-hardened ace of the staff, John Burkett. (I just re-read that last sentence and threw up in my mouth) Yep, with Pedro Martinez, arguably the most dominating pitcher of the past 10 years at their disposal, Grady "WTF" Little decides to go with a guy with an amazing 5.15 era this year. Wow. Apparently Lou Merloni was announced as tomorrow's starter until Larry Lucchino reminded a confused Grady Little that Merloni was infact a middle infielder. But I can't talk about the Sox anymore, otherwise I will rant for about 4 pages and put a major dent in my fridge-full of Natty Ice.
            So what I'll do instead is give the first part of my 2003, End of The Season Baseball Awards. And I'll try to hold my tounge about the Red Sox.
1. The James Baldwin Trophy.
                    Given annually to the White Sox pitcher who rises from obscurity to put up Cy Young numbers, becomes widely accepted by the baseball media as the next great pitcher, but will inevitably go 10-11 with a 4.75 ERA next year.
         This years winner . . . . . . Esteban Loaiza!!!!! Hey lets give the man a hand!!!! This career 4.58 pitcher goes 20-9 with a 2.90 era this year and is recieving serious Cy Young consideration. But don't get your hopes up. In the next few years this guy is going to become the Ted McGinley of the Major Leagues. Teams are going to sign him hoping that he'll regain his 2003 form, but will invariably be dissapointed when he drags the whole rotation down.  I have a premonition he'll wind up playing for the Mets.
2. The Chris Cooper "Who are These Guys?" Award
   This award is named after Hollywood's most famous "that guy" Chris Cooper. For those of you who don't know Chris Cooper, he is the closest thing that Hollywood has to a "utility guy". This guy has been great in American Beauty, The Patriot, and Identity, (all in very different roles) but almost nobody can put a name to his face. I hand out the award  to this year's collections of unknowns, rookies and "that guy's" . . . . the Tampa Bay Devil Rays!!!
                When your two best-known players are Terry Shumpert and Aubrey Huff, you are going to have problems bringing fans to the stadium. It is this same principle that limits the number of starring roles that Steve Guttenberg has had since Big Green.
3. The CT From Real World, Guy You Wouldn't Ever Go to a Bar With Award
(formerly the William Ligue Jr. Award)
               I created this award  following one of the most brilliant RW preformances since David's "Skee Bopple Be" song, namely CT's "steak out" on last week's episode. CT screaming at the little british guy (who couldn't have been more than 5 foot 6) about how was going to "work him", then throwing three impressive haymakers into the guys chin, was the kind of scenario that makes you laugh at first, then makes you feel uncomfortable and glad you were watching from the saftey of your living room. Everybody has that one friend who gets a little liquored up, starts mouthing of to people at the bar, and eventually gets into that zone when you can't talk him out of fighting someone for no reason. Well CT is defenitley that guy, and so is the winner of this year's award . . . .Cincinatti Reds left fielder, Adam Dunn.
                Seriously, how many bench clearing brawls was this guy responsible for this year? At least 3. At LEAST. True he was hit roughly 46 times this year, but it seems that if any pitcher missed remotley inside, the 240 pound Dunn would go after him like Russell Crowe goes after paparazzi.
Honorable mention- Don Zimmer. I don't care how old he his, I'm afraid of him. He's got that Mr. Myagi thing going on, and I'm afraid he'd beat me like a Cobra Kai.
and the last award for today (oops, it's about the Sox)
4. The Billy Zabka- Back to School Crunch Time Injury Award
                   If you don't know who Zabka is, learn. If you've never seen Back to School, you have a problem. So let's just re-cap for all of you. In Back to School Zabka, the best diver on the team, (Think a straight, smug, Aryan Greg Louganis) comes down with a suspicious "muscle cramp" (nerves) that forces him out of the NCAA diving championships. Well congratulations to this year's Zabka, Byung-Hyun Kim! After blowing a save in game one of the ALDS against the A's, the maligned Boston closer came down with a mysterious foot injury that will sidline him for the rest of the playoffs. Not that it's a great loss to Boston fans. Still, when I picture Kim with a foot injury, I can't help but hope that Sox first baseman Kevin Millar and a gimpy Kim re-enact the scene from Platoon where Kevin Dillon beats the retarded, one legged Vietnamese guy to death. Hey . . . I can hope right?
And if you think I'm being harsh, just know that my whistles are still going Woo WOO!

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