Running Diary of LA Lakers: opening night . . . .


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No Baseball, NO PROBLEM. Smitty's taking you downtown for a little ride on the NBA Rollercoaster.  Get ready for an exciting season with lots of tremendous upside potential!

Before I get into my running diary for the second half of the Lakers game, I'd just like to talk to you about my life at college. About two weeks ago, I made a pledge. A pledge to devote more time to school work, a pledge to shower at least once a day, and most importantly a pledge to stop drinking during week nights (just to clarify, Thursday IS the begining of the weekend). Needless to say, by 1 AM on Tuesday night, I found myself sitting on the couch, wearing my Hot Pepper boxers and  a ratty green bathrobe, watching the opening night of the NBA and drinking Paul Masson wine straight from the jug.
                Perhaps it was in this semi-inebriated state that I decided to write about the NBA. I'll be honest, over the past few years I've lost interest in the sport of basketball. It could be that my Knicks have become the basketball equivilant of the Detriot Lions
( For the record, I don't understand the Knicks problems: on paper, a team comprised soley of undersized power forwards should be dominant. Right?) Another reason for my loss of interest in the sport is because there is no Jordan. There is no Bird, there is no Magic, and there's no Stockton. Most players are forgetting the fundamentals of the game, and the players that haven't (Tim Duncan) have slightly less charsima than a barca lounger.
So, in that vein, i choose to write about the LA Lakers, far and away the most interesting team this side of the Portland Bongblazers . . .here is my running commentary of the second half of the Lakers/Mavs season opener.
12:20- Second half starts, the Lakers are up by 9. I'm starting to feel pretty good about the bet I made with my buddy Goldy. I bet him a case of beer that the Lakers tie the single season record for most wins, with 72. The way the Lakers are playing now, I just think I'll take the MGD up front.
12:21-      Am I the only one who is more than a little upset with Dirk's new haircut? I firmly believe that his chemistry with Steve Nash was deeply rooted in their respect for each other's hair. Now that clean shaven Dirk looks like a tall, slavic, Barry Pepper, Nash just looks like someone who drives a black van and likes to hang out in elementary school parking lots.  A white R. Kelly of sorts.
12:24- Commercial Break and one burning question. Has the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy been inducted into the Joe Isuzu/ Carrot Top "Commercials That No One Likes Yet Inexplicably Keep on Getting Airtime" Hall of Fame yet? Yea . . .I thought so too.
12:27-  Sheryll Miller (Apparently Reggie Miller is auditiojning for Juwanna Mann II) Just said that Kobe will be cleared to play on saturday by Lakers' trainer, Mitch Kupcheck. Along with strength coach Jim Kotta, the Lakers officially win the award for NBA assistants with the best last names. (Only two of you got the Jim Kotta reference. I know. Sorry)
12:31- Antoine "Antwan" Walker, hits for three upping his point total to 16 on the night. Coincidentally, on the eastern coast of the United States, Paul Pierce weeps openly while talking himself into the Raef "Radja the second" LaFrentz era in Boston.
12:36- Antoine Jameson has just been compared to Bernard King. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth. Seriously. Comparing a career 6th man to one of the most explosive scorers in NBA history is kind of like comparing Jason Mraz to Jimmy Hendrix . . .it doesn't add up does it?
12:38- Since the game is getting out of hand, I switched over to ESPN to watch some of the re-run of "Playmakers." Does the gay tight end on that show bother anyone else? Not because he's gay, because he's roughly 5 foot 6.
12:41-  Right now, the Lakers are playing like Norman Dale's team from "Hoosiers". They are playing unselfish basketball, making the extra pass, hustling on D, and running the court well. All that's missing is an extremely awkward kiss between Phil Jackson and Dyan Cannon. This needs to happen.  
12:45- Kobe comes to Lakers' bench, and immediatley sits down next to Shaq. THE ANNOUCNERS ARE GOING WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILD.
               On a personal note, if this year's allstar game doesn't feature Shaquille, right before tip-off, hitting Kobe on the head with a steel chair then pulling off his jersey to reveal a Nets uni, I'm not watching. (My god! that's . .. that's Kenyon Martin's music!!!)
12:51 It just occurs to me that if Kobe would be a team player and shave his head, the Lakers "Fantastic Four" would closely resemble ONYX. And yes, I'm drunk.
12:56 The NBA Live "I create adjectives" commercial just aired, and it gets me to thinking. EA sports should use this approach for their next Knockout Kings game. Who wouldn't love a commercial with Mike Tyson staring at the camera and saying "I create adjectives. Like Ludamacris, and Inscrutimable."
1:47am- Apparently I dozed off (passed out). Luckilly I woke up intime to catch an interview with Gary Payton. Since I couldn't make this up, let me just quote him on the Shaq/ Kobe feud. "You know, when Kobe came to the bench, him and Shaq hugged. You know, they were touching each other . . . " I wish I had a joke here.
Bad Haircuts, Tremendous Upside and Player on Player molestation. the NBA . . . .it's FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC. 

Gymkata. Getting YOUR LA Lakers in shape .. .

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