Ok. We are a little past halfway of the NFL Season (Im not a math major) And things are . . .well, weird. Danny Kannel and Rick Mirer starting games, the emergence of Jake Freaking Delhome and the Carolina Panthers, the struggles of the Raiders and the Eagles, Cincy on a tear . . .jeez, I think I have a headache. The only logical thing to do, the only way to possibly make sense of this tumultuous nine weeks . . . To apply NFL Storylines to a semi coherent movie that has nothing to do with football, SuperTroopers
SuperTroopers has become a staple of college dorm rooms across America. I would consider it one of the purpose movies. In nearly every American male college students room, you will find these movies. They include Movies To Watch When You Bring a Girl To Your Room. (Braveheart) Movies That Are Constantly Playing in Your Room But No One Pays Attention To (The Replacements, Billy Madison,) and Movies That Are Entertaining Solely If The Watchee is In an Altered State (Requiem For A Dream, The Other Sister) But SuperTroopers has fallen into a different category, my personal favorite, Movies to Pre-game By. Joining the ranks of great drinking movies like Caddyshack, and Outside Providence I thought that SuperTroopers would be a perfect to apply to a season that has driven me to the bottle several times.
So with that in mind, I just popped a couple of viagra and will commence to write this article with a raging, megahuge boner.
Officer Smy: [To Ursula] If you were my wife, I'd take you down a peg or two.
To Brenda Warner. Wow Kurt . . .You got a real keeper.
Apparently Zool has returned to earth to wreak havoc on our cities and destroy our call in radio shows. Ill tell you this much. If the Superbowl Half-Time show doesnt feature a segment in which Ernie Hudson, Bill Murray, Harold Ramis and Dan Akroyd fire millions of volts of kinetically ionized protons into the body of Mrs. Warner . . . .well then, Im not watching.
Farva: Sing it again, rookie BEEEEYOTCH!
The SuperTroopers phrase that has invaded the American concscience, much like "Show me the Money!", "Not that theres anything wrong with that . .. " and "Tremendous Upside Potential" will serve as good note to all the rookies who are taking their lumps in the NFL. Willis Magahee- The closest hell come to competition this year is if his teammates decide to hold a wheelchair basketball game in his honor. Hell be back though. Visanthe Shiancoe- I dont know what he does, but Jim Fassell HATES this Giants third round TE. Hes been benched twice this season for his erratic behavior.. He really needs an older, wiser TE to show him the ropes . . . .someone like Shockey
Police Chief Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne.
To Steve Spurrier. Its been two years, and the fun and gun offense has Daniel Synder about 2 losses away from stabbing himself in the eyeball with a soldering iron. It seems to me that Spurrier is a classic example of what I have dubbed Pitino-its Great college coach, but his style just doesnt translate to the pros. Dont be surprised if Snyder loses his patience and shows Spurrier the door mid season if things dont turn around. On the downside of Spurriers impending dismissal, sideline shots wont be nearly as fun without his constant spastic facial expressions.
Now let me talk about this scene between Grady and OHagen for a bit. One of the great, underrated things about this movie is that it couples veritable unknowns, like Jay Chandraskar, with bonafide That Guys, Hollywood Character actors with placeable faces and little name recognition. In this case, both police chiefs were played by the elder statesmen of Those Guys, Brian Cox as OHagen(has played roughly every aging Irish film cop in the past 10 years) and Daniel Von Bargen as Grady (DVB is about as comfortable playing an evil cop as Shannon Tweed is with being naked in a Skinemax hot tub while flirting with Joe Tab and Telly Savalas). For me, this scene was comparable to the historic scene in Heat, when DeNiro and Pacino appear, on screen, for the first time ever. Goosebumps . . . .seriously . . . . wow.
Mac: You boys like Mex-i-co? Woo-hoo!
To the Chargers, refugees of the California wild-fires. These guys have played 6 straight on the road, and still dont see an end to their flight from San Diego. I envision them in week 14, playing the Lions on the playground of a decaying Mexican Middle School In Tijuana. Hey . . .anything to save money right.
On a related note, While playing Madden 2004, I relocated my Chargers to Mexico City in the year 2010, just to see if Tacos were included in the concession stand. Yep . . . . sweet life I have.
Ram: Littering and . . . littering AND???? Littering
and . . . . littering and???? Smoking the reefer.
To Browns RB Willie Green, who was suspended by his team after being arrested for DUI and . . . . DUI and . . . . DUI and?????? Smoking the Reefer. No worries for Green though, if the parable of Lamar Odom has taught us anything its that quasi-stars can be arrested countless times for drug possession and still be signed to 60 million dollar multi-year contracts.
BTW, One of the best exchanges in the movie. Just thought I'd say that
Chief: A guy like you we used to take out back and beat with a rubber hose. Now
you get to hide behind your damn unions.
Farva: Chief, you know Im not a pro Union guy.
This quote goes to Tony Sirigusa, arguably the worst sideline reporter since Eric Marble Mouth Dickerson. Heres an example of Tonys sideline wisdom, and no, Im not making this up. Brett: OK, Lets go down to Tony Sirigusa for that injury report. Tony: Wow, its really cold down here. I wish I had an extra jacket or some hot dogs . . . Back to you Brett. As you can see, Tony possesses the keen insider intelligence that CBS looks for. His performance as a sideline reporter is actually quite similar to his role during playing days. Hes a huge, immobile mass, who makes up for his lack of skill with his complete consumption of space. Where is that hose . . . . .
Farva: It doesn't matter cause I'm going to win ten million dollars.
Thorny: What are you going to do with ten million dollars, and you can't say buy the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Farva: I'd buy a ten million dollar car.
Thorny: That's fine I'd still pull you over.
Farva: Bull Shit! You couldn't pull me over, and even if you did I'd activate my car's wings and I'd fly away.
Ahh, the waste of well deserved money. I hate to re-tread on familiar turf, but this years NFL equivalent of the New York Mets is without a doubt, The Much Maligned Washington Redskins. Employing such shrewd off season tactics like throwing copious amounts of money at anything that had a pulse or a Jets uniform, the Redskins once again proved that having a high payroll and big name stars doesnt necessarily facilitate winning a championship. With a little un-inspired coaching, any team, no matter how talented, can wallow in its own shame and despair.
Ram: Who Wants a Mustache Ride??????
Who do you think? Dave Wannstedt!
(This Wannstedt joke is beating itself into the ground, no?)
Farva: Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her. I guess you could say that about all my girls.
To all the NFL Players who should have retired last year, but instead returned to have frustrating, sub-par years. Brett Farve, whose big game reliability was never in question before this season, is now proving human. The telling sign that his days are over is that it is no longer considered irrational to bet against his Packers when they play at Lambeau.
Jerry Rices decline has been a more gradual one. First, his speed went, courtesy of a Warren Sapps season ending, borderline felony face mask. Now, his on field awareness is gone too. Watching Rice fumble last week was like watching a 40 year old Muhamed Ali being pounded into submission by Trevor Berbick or Larry Holmes.
I shed a tear for a childhood lost
Lets step outside the NFL for one moment. Is it me or is Rod Farva one of the watershed comic characters of all times. Hes Steve Stiffler and John Candy rolled into one. The best part is, everyone knows Farva. If there isnt one guy in your group of friends, that possesses one or more Farva like qualities, you probably played Oboe in the High School marching band. In an unrelated study, it was found that many of these Farva types are often named Bubba . . .strange stuff . . .
Until Next time .. . . .If yo whistles aint going WOO WOO, Then you aint got da flows. . . ChickenF*cker!